How to Be a Good Little Christian

Be like Jesus

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1.) Ostracize the heathen!

In a world filled with all of them there Jews and Muslims and Atheists, where does morality exist? Obviously people who are not Christians have no sense of morality or social justice. Therefore it is our duty, as good little Christians, to tell those sinners to repent from their evil ways. Dontcha think a bumper sticker'll do the trick? By telling them the long list (and boy is it a long list) of things that they're doing wrong, they'll come 'a'repentin for certain.

https://fideetliteris.wordpress.com/2012/10/02/coexistence-and-the-truth-solution/

2. Pray the gay away.

If you aren't speaking out against those gays, then you aren't doing the work of the Lord. I know what you're thinking: "but Jesus said that the most important commandment is love." Well, what He really wanted us to be payin attention to was those confusing, easily-misconstrued, little verses that He buried in the Bible to prove that homosexuality is a sin--punishable by eternal damnation. Those verses might be few and far between, but we here Christians know the true truth.

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2011/mar/02/court-westboro-baptist-gay-funeral-pickets

3. Remember: Jesus said "Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime."

Or wait... that was a Chinese proverb. But either way, never mind all that crap about helping the poor. Jesus doesn't believe in giving handouts (which is why he fed 5,000 people on credit and then got rich on the interest). If you're down and out in the land of the our Savior--the land of the free and the home of the brave--don't expect any help from us in the Religious Right; Jesus is on our side. 

http://www.addictinginfo.org/2013/06/16/republican-jesus/

4. Being Pro-Life, Pro-Death Penalty, and Pro-War is the Christian way. 

Remember that if the Blessed Virgin Mary would have had an abortion, since she was an unwed teenager who would have had a good shot at being on Sixteen and Pregnant, Jesus never would have been born. And if Pontius Pilate and the Jews wouldn't have supported the Death Penalty, Jesus never would have saved us from our sins. Furthermore, Jesus stands for peace, and WAR IS PEACE.

http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3qvym2

5. Believe in good, wholesome family values.

That's right wives: you'd better keep to the kitchen. And men, you'd best be bringin home the bacon so that you can afford that 4-bedroom suburban home complete with a swing set and a white picket fence. That there is the way God intended it. The American Dream is God's dream.

http://www.atheistmemebase.com/tag/family-values/

6. Don't you dare support unemployment benefits or raising the minimum wage for those lazy, unskilled workers. 

Poor people are innately lazy, which is why they can't get jobs. They're also hyper-fertile--they breed like rabbits. They exist purely to irritate us hardworking citizens and steal our hard-earned tax dollars for unemployment benefits and welfare programs. If there was one thing that Jesus never would have supported, it's helping out people who don't deserve it. 

http://visit50.com/cartoons-to-make-you-laugh-think-or-inspire-you/cartoon-republican-jesus/

7. Know that America is God's Chosen Land

This land was built on good Christian values. Our Founding Fathers believed in God (they were deists--which is obviously the same thing as Christians). Therefore, our laws are based on them good Christian values. Our leaders are predominantly Christian too. This here is a Christian nation. Our pledge says "One nation, Under God" for a reason! Never mind all that there baloney about the separation of church and state--as long as Christianity is the dominant religion of the this nation. 

https://www.pinterest.com/ewbg/one-nation-under-god/